i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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