the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Pants are for mortals
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
