So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Farmville is her only friend.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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