and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
