Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
