Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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