Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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