plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
