I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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