3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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