my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
