well I can't set my house on fire every night
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
