hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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