We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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