if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
