If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
