is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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