Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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