remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize