When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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