What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
