I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
So. Much. Porn.
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