end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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