Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
