I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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