She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
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