I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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