When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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