Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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