I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
