He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
