i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
we should paint friendship bongs
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
