She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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