I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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