careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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