I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
