she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
