I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize