I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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