i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
