You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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