I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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