I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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