party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
how drunk are you?
Several
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
