He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
