once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize