Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
