You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
