Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
