My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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