shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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