PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
