R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
