There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
