i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
