I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
