My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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