You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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