I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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